I wrote and wrote and wrote over the past two hours, but seem to have erased it all. Just as well. It was getting me on the way to a new plan. I had reviewed my 1997 diary and all the job swap stuff and was amazed how I had taken off on a tangent regarding the Atlanta Baptist College history, going through the archiveal records and some histories we had in the library. My four months at LGU did not really amount to anything in terms of librarianship What was more important was the sightseeing I was able to do.
I found myself facing up to my relationship expectations and how they were not realistic. I seem to have expected that "exchange partners" meant sometning more with Phil and Warren than was the case. I think I must have expected them to turn into penpals. I also saw how I actually listed every contact I had for the entire year with Judith, and am trying to face how for 9 years, yes more than a decade I have hated Judith and let this dominiate my life. I have taken every slight, every criticism and hung on to it...
But enough. What I am coming back to is that I should spend at least the initial years of my life improving Phoebe's life. One way to do this is to combine interests of my own with Phoebe. One would be some form of research on the deaf, or better than that something that would make lives better.
So I spent the morming doing a bit of surfing...after this long look at myself...and came up with the voice regonition concept tied to computers. Certainly handhel computers should make communication far easier for the deaf..should't it ? Or not. Is a computer really no better than a pencil and pad ? However, should the deaf be able to know what is being said around them....
I have this idea that Phoebe and I could move to Washington, I could volunteer on some research project in the University, as "hands" to help, and Phoebe could enjoy the benefits of the cultural aspects of the Univeresity, we could have a good year or so, and then move on to something else.
I discovered a book I have had for quite some time called Getting Unsturck by Dr. Sidney Simon, the Values Clarification fellow.
I have had a lot of false starts during the past year.
I did all that stupid LucyLucyDear email stuff with strange men compulsively for almost two months. Then, instead of using my SS money, as planned to pay off credit card bills I actually added to them with lot of Ebay purchases...first ballet stuff (ranging from dolls to clocks,picture frames, books, music boxes), the 'First Lady stuff..same thing..dolls, books, even now 13 paperdoll books I have committed to..and then into international dolls..same thing. I must have spent almost $3,000.00 or more on all of this and now am confronted with all these boxes I must get rid of here.
And continue to stay up all, literally ALL night, to eat candy and cokes out of the machine downstairs, and just feel worse and worse as the mess accumulates around me.
I spent an entire Sunday plotting a trip around the world, from the airline tickets, to Eurail pass, checking out rapid transit systems in Cairo and cybercafes in East Africa. The point ? I think it was to be able to say when I was retiring that I was really doing something.
From this book "If Life is Journey, Stuck is A Detour"
I think I am sturk now, really stuck. What I did last night helping the gal look for articles just to satisfy an assignment at another college, counting circulation for books being discarded....For a long time the job you are doing seems irrelevant, and yet as the pay gets better you become more committed to it.
Well, I think I am ready to at least look at moving, at pressing on, not detouring. First you must retire from this job, and face the fact you will no longer have the fringe benefits and steady income you have enjoyed up to now.
But I think perhaps (and I may be wrong) just perhaps, I have a direction.
11:35
After picking up yet more Ebay stuff...actually 7, yes 7 more dolls (Truman, 2 lst ladies, a Honduras doll, and a Can can dancer ..probably made in China)..and two wonderful books about interntional dolls...(one a library discard).....well, what can I say ?
I am going to some of the exercises in the Getting Unstuck book...
I pick a sentence at random..page 208 "Throughout your life you none your competitive abilities an reinforce the belief that being your best means proving that you are better than someone else"
Ah, ha....yes, indeed, that is what I am doing all the time I suppose.
Well, back to what I really meant to write.
There is some kind of theme in what I have written above. When I get on to something that interests me I presist. The only trouble it that the things I hvae presisted with...setting up the job exchanges, doing the papers on distance learning at Massey for the Calloway Garden meeting, on the interests pharmaceutical company librarians might have in job exchanges, were totally useless activities. They did not change anyone or anything. They took a lot of your time, but to no real purpose.
What I think, yes I know I want out of the rest of my life is to "make a difference" and I see my library career as NOT making a difference, and so am dissapointed, frustrated.
Well, on to bath, clothes, getting ready for work. I think that this morning may have been a productive one. I think I may have gained some insights into myself and my plans for the future.
There is caution to be taken from my high school classmates recent fate. Greg was unable to fulfill what could have been three decades of time with the granddaughers, time she did not have with her own daughter, I suppose. Andree, having to recover and perhaps not recovering..but then I do not know about her life, what happened her life.
Had we lived now perhaps we would not have moved into early marriages and would have prepared for more profitable future careers.
What I do know is that I want to 1.) Help Phoebe, and this means establishing a REAL relationship, even an honest relationship with her and 2.) Finding something for the next part of my life where I will make a difference.
So..off to work with you, girl friend...Let's see what happens next.
(I almost want to sign this like an email Later, Elizabeth)
And I have started finding links
http://www.odc.state.or.us/Links/odclink9.htm
This is list of existing equipment. Maybe there are things that Phoebe can already be using that I have not looked into yet.